The writer Anchee Min once wrote, “If you can’t go back to your mother’s womb, you’d better learn to be a good fighter.”
It’s sad but true, right? There is no place safer than the womb. We all start our lives in this protected container, a place where our needs are met, where we are free to grow and develop without fear of being abandoned or rejected or hurt. Then we go into the world, and at one point or another, most of us are hurt and rejected and abandoned. We put a guard up. We withdraw from others. We learn to ask for less. We blame ourselves.
When I think about coaching, I use the womb as a framework for my clients. I imagine a warm container of safety and light. A restorative space for you to grow and develop without fear of being judged or hurt. A place where you can access the innocence and joyful excitement you felt as a tiny baby.
Not all coaches believe in this approach. Some believe in delivering “tough love” to their clients, in holding their clients accountable and pushing them to change. That’s been a common narrative for a while, right? Growth by force. Changing out of fear. External pressure telling you that you’re not good as you are, that you need to change in order to be acceptable. Honestly, just go pick up any self-help book written by a certain type of macho guy and you’ll see those same concepts repeated over and over.
It’s a very patriarchal framework for change. And when I started to create my own framework for guiding clients towards growth and new paths, I knew I wanted something that was feminine. Maternal. Built on an inside-out type of approach. And what is more maternal than the womb?
If you’ve been trying to change on your own and struggling, I want you to look around your life and identify any safe containers where you are nurtured and supported. Maybe it’s that weekly phone call with a dear friend. Or the long bath you take on the weekends.
Where do you let your guard down? Because when we’re so busy holding our guard up, there isn’t the creativity and resourcefulness that BIG life change requires. Only when we feel safe enough to relax, can we find the energy and faith to move forward out of stuckness to a new life.
