I was working with a client recently and she was in a situation where she was having a lot of resentment and frustration about how somebody was treating her. This was someone she cared about a lot, and yet she felt like she wasn’t getting what she needed from them, wasn’t feeling seen, and had been feeling this way for a long time with little resolution.
Instead of spending a lot of time talking about the details or bringing “logic” or “reason” to the situation, we ended up spending most of our coaching time trying to find the original source of her feelings. We ended up back in her childhood, in a memory where she felt dismissed and ignored. This was a memory that held a tremendous amount of pain for her. So we stayed there.
With a lot of work and space, my client ended up finding forgiveness for the person who hurt her all those years ago. And through that act of forgiveness, she came to a place of compassion for the person in her life now, and the ways in which they were unintentionally triggering that past trauma for her.
The reason she had felt stuck for years and hadn’t been able to shift was because she wasn’t dealing with the true SOURCE of the hurt.
Some key things you need to understand about forgiveness:
— Unresolved pain and resentment keeps the brain from being able to rest, rewire and reset. It’s a literal drain on your brain. Your brain can’t rest if you’re stuck in trauma.
— The area where you feel stuck may not seem immediately connected to the area where you’re holding on to resentment. Let your body connect the dots for you. The connection may be subconscious or body-based.
— Forgiveness is not the same as saying “this thing didn’t happen,” or “it’s okay that you did this,” or “this wasn’t that big of a deal.” Forgiveness is simply integration. It’s saying, “this happened, it was horrible, and I’m ready to stop reliving it and giving it my energy.” When your brain gets that message, it can resolve the ongoing energy cycle, and shift all that energy towards moving forward.
When someone tells you to “forgive,” it can feel like they’re saying, “just get over it.” So I want to be super clear that I do not want you to get “over” your trauma and minimize the hurt that you feel.
Forgiveness is not about depletion, or giving something precious away, or feeling disempowered. It’s the opposite: it’s about getting MORE energy back, gaining power, getting clear, moving forward.
When I work with a client, forgiveness becomes a gift, a tool, and often…a breakthrough.
XO,
Rae
